Single Mom.  Let's throw away that term.

September 21, 2018

Do we label all married women as married mothers? Why the label for us

 

In some ways, I don't even identify with either label.  I'm a stay-at-home single mom and I don't actually fit into the typical boxes, due to the way I structured my life.  Which is why my blog and business is focused on releasing the struggle for all moms that struggle to live intuitive, intentional, freedom-filled lives, not just single moms.  We have so many of the same struggles, especially within the area of overwhelm, relationship struggles, trying to find ways to stay home with our kids, or be more present.

 I hate the term "single mom".  And judging by some of the disgusting, slut shaming YouTube videos I found, many people in society do, too.  Not just the term, but single moms.

 

The term "single mom" denotes struggle, financial lack, stress, and chaos.  Don't believe me?  Take note of single moms in popular tv shows and notice how we are portrayed.  It's like we are bombarded with negative messages.  When in reality, we are some of the strongest, most stable, and organized moms that I know.  Many of us have to raise up strong, resilient children on our own and have to fill every role.  We are "the rock" in our children's lives. 

 

There is no doubt that we go through similar struggles as single moms and it's important that we create community with other women who can relate.   There is no denying the stress that we feel in regards to financial instability or when our exes use the courts to continue the emotional abuse and control. But we are moms first and being single is just one of our characteristics.  

 

We do the job of two people and we do it well!  Instead of focusing on the things that we lack, we need to focus on where we are excelling and the resilience that we have uncovered within our situations.  We might have struggles that are different from married moms, but we all struggle in similar areas.  On any given day, you can read a post in a mom's group about their struggle dealing with their husbands.  At least we don't have to deal with that!

 

It was my goal this year to let go of my identity as a single mom.  Not that I'm ashamed of this label, but  I no longer wanted to identify with the struggle that is associated with it.  I realized that I could choose to move forward and live in joy and abundance.  Or I could live in the past, filled with shame, regret, and the inability to accept that some families are better off this way.  I could let go of the people, places, and things that are not in alignment with the life that I want to be living and the woman that I want to become.  And I can let go of the term "single mom".  Instead, you will see me use (single)mom in my writing.  I am a mom...that just happens to be single.  And many times, I am referring to a mom, regardless of their relationship status.

 

Our children's well-being, and the world as a whole, is directly tied to our ability to follow our intuition, diminish stressors, and create a life that we love.  From the ashes of the detached, unhappy, struggling  (single)mother, the connected, content, sovereign mother can be born.

 

But how do we make that possible?

 

1) Separate yourselves from people, places and things that allow you to remain in a mindset of lack.  No one has the ability to control how we feel and, too often, we are giving our power away.  We allow ourselves to live in a state of fear and live from that mindset.  Sometimes we become single moms due to setting boundaries with our children's fathers, but then we allow them to continue to control our emotions, bully us, and terrorize our lives. 

 

Set boundaries!  Decide how you want to feel and take back your power.  You can detach from the unhealthiness, set limits on contact (without breaking court ordered contact), stop engaging, and empower yourself through affirmations, meditation, and journaling.  You can see my morning routine here.  It has been crucial to my well-being and creating space for healing through creativity.

 

For the first few years, I had achieved the life I wanted, by finding ways to stay home and homeschool, but I was still living in stress and overwhelm.  The daily habits that I implemented, along with practicing detachment and radical acceptance, have been life-changing for helping me cope.  

 

2) Surround yourself with women that you want to become.  Envision the life that you want to have and claim it!  Too often I hear "I would love to homeschool, but I can't" or "I wish I could have stayed home with my kids, but I was a single mom".  You can!  You can do anything that you want, if that's what you really want.  Maybe it's not and that's ok, too!  But if it is, you have to believe that you can achieve it and surround yourself with women who have.

 

Sarah Titus and Lisa Nichols both have powerful stories of going from poverty to multi-million dollar businesses. 

 

My sister is an inspiration, as well!  I watched her struggle as a teen mom, get through college with two kids, hustle multiple jobs for years, and within the last few years, she bought her own home and has a successful career.  She also traveled the country and the world with her kids, which is something that I aspire to do.  She has been my motivation to achieve financial stability and abundance.  

 

3)  Simplify and align.

Decide the life that you want, make a vision board, and cross everything that is not in alignment with your vision. 

 

This was the one that I created this year and I am living out EVERY. SINGLE. vision for my life.  I haven't built my empire, but I'm definitely finding clarity and working a business that is in alignment with my goals.  I am even looking at campers, so that I can travel more with Calvin.  I just started my book!  Everything else is already a part of my life and it feels amazing!

 

 

 Decide how you want to spend your days and cut out everything that doesn't fit into that.  Just because you can do something, doesn't mean that you should.  I love decorating, public speaking, and coaching women, but that takes me away from my family and involves finding childcare.  I have had to create opportunities that use those skills, but fit into the stage that we are at.  At this point in my life, I am focused on myself, my child, and intentional family life.  Any money making opportunity outside of that vision are not the right fit, at this time.  I have had to cut out everything that didn't fit into my vision for my life. 

 

If you want to be more content, then create space for the things that bring you joy, such as reading or crafting.  If you want to have more time to play with your kids, then declutter and simplify your living space so that you spend less time cleaning.  Automate your life through routines and menu planning.  Do you love cooking healthy meals, but don't get enough time with your children?  Cut out elaborate menu plans, simplify, or have your children cook with you.

 

Cut out EVERYTHING that does not bring you closer to your goal.  

 

4) Find your sisterhood.  You don't even realize how deeply that you need them.  We weren't meant to live alone or parent in isolation.  We NEED each other.  We need women who build us up, support us, and who will create community with us.  Our children need this!  

 

I have experienced this deep bond with other women and it's something that can't be explained.  This sisterhood and community is what society is missing.  We need to find a way back to our sacred ways and rise up for each other and our communities.

 

If you are looking for community, make sure to join the Directory of Cost-Effective, Cooperative Living.

 

How do you let go of the struggle and achieve the life of your dreams?  What are your priorities at this stage in your life?  In what areas are you struggling?

 

Enjoy this printable gallery wall affirmation to help you on your journey to "let go of the struggle".  Click the link above to download.   I would love to see you using it in your space!  Tag me on Instagram 

 

If you need additional strategies to "release the struggle", make sure to subscribe to my newsletter and download my free printable PDF with all the strategies that I use, affirmations, and my morning and evening routine.  I would love to have your on this journey as we grow together!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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