This post was originally posted in my fb group at the start of the New Year, but I didn't have the courage to add it to my blog for the whole world to see. However, if I really want to share my story, then I need to get past the glossed over version and become more transparerent. So here it goes...
I've been clearing out a lot this past month and dealing with some family illness. It seems 2018 wants to throw a few more punches before it ends.
But clearing doesn't have to be negative, even though the purging feels like that at times. In fact, it seems to be just the thing to create space for the life, home, business, family, and self that we long for. I know that I've been receiving some interesting memories, feelings, and guidance associated with old family patterns and it has really helped me to have perspective and answers regarding myself and the patterns in myself that I am willing to release.
I've been stuck for a long time. I've always been able to take care of us, but I was also stuck in patterns of poverty. Money was made, that was never an issue, but no matter how much I made, I was always struggling financially. It was like I couldn't accept that feeling of abundance. Until this year.
When I started this group, I was so called to help other moms find ways to stay home, because that's what I had done successfully for the last 6 years. But soon-after starting this group, my life collapsed. Emotionally I couldn't handle the stress from all of the mental and physical deaths that were happening in my life, so I chose to walk away from everything and start over.
When I came home, all of a sudden I stopped making money. Completely. Even money that was owed to me was not being received. I couldn't support my family. Homelessness was actually an option. I wasn't successful in any of the old services that I used to offer. I wasn't even getting childcare or dog sitting jobs. Nothing. Once in awhile money would flow, abundance would be activated, and then I can only assume that my fear would cut it off again.
I got pissed. I blamed all of it on outside sources for my financial stress, but the reality was, it was all within me.
I was talking to one of my best friends and I was telling her that I was always able to support my family, this was the first time that I couldn't. As soon as the words left my mouth, I was flooded with memories of moments that contradicted that.
In high school my parents split up, we lost our home in the country, and I had to leave my childhood friends and move to a new city at 15. I remember I couldn't even afford a drink for lunch every day. For some reason I never had money to buy one so I'd take a sip of my best friend's and drink half of it. It drove her insane.
In college, I was always broke. I was always the one who couldn't afford to buy rounds at the bar or who would be borrowing money from my student loan excess check.
When I was 25, I remember working full time and living with my fiance, but we couldn't afford trash bags for trash day.
During my pregnancy with Calvin, I was teaching full time with a full-time income and had to pawn jewelry to afford grapes that I was craving from Wheatsville Coop, because payday wasn't for another couple of days. And that was when rent in Austin was cheap! And the stories continue.
I may have never been homeless, but money didn't stay for long. And it certainly wasn't easy to come by.
After having my son, I prided myself on being able to stay home while supporting the two of us, but there were times when money was super tight and I couldn't afford the life that I wanted for him.
I started thinking about my friends that were extremely successful financially and their family money story was so different than mine. They grew up with money and success came easily. They were taught different things about money. They heard different stories. They had a different relationship with money than I did. Money carried a different energy.
For me, money was never there. I grew up with a dad with chronic illness who was always in the hospital. Our medical bills were astronomical, I'm sure. I always heard about what we didn't have. Even going out to eat, my mom still says "you can have it, but only if you eat it" and that one phrase still ruins my meal every time. It's just one big guilt trip that makes me feel indebted to the lobster on my plate. But her stories run deep, as well. All of ours do. But that doesn't mean that we can't change it.
I know that I'm willing to let go. I am willing to let go of the financial struggle that has been with me my entire life. My $4000 months have felt as stressful as my $50 months and that has so much to do with the energy I've attached to money. For. My. Whole. Life.
I'm grateful for this past year, because I know that I had to experience this level of complete and utter dependence to know that this is the last year of my life that I will EVER depend on another human being for my survival and my child's.
As we go into the New Year, think about your patterns. Try to grasp onto those stories and decide which ones you will bring forth into the New Year and which ones you will leave behind.
I have changed so much this year, through the strategies and mindfulness techniques that were taught to me and I have become a completely different woman and mother. But there are habits and patterns that are long standing. This is the year to purge them completely. I literally cannot go another day with them existing in my life.
Despite my financial troubles this year, I was able to clear out the clutter from my life and re-build it from the ground up. I grabbed that scared 17 year old who lacked the courage to submit a portfolio to the school of her dreams...Rhode Island School of Design, and I brought her back into the present. I became an artist again! I launched an Etsy store this year with MY ARTWORK. But I didn't just want to be an artist, I specifically wanted to be an interior decorator...the one thing that I have been doing since elementary school... but I didn't have the courage. So, I registered for my Reiki Space Clearing Certification so that I can incorporate energy healing into home design.
Life is coming full circle and it never would have happened if I hadn't cleared out the clutter to create space for the woman I was always supposed to become. Here's to 2019!