The year I got my voice back.

December 25, 2017

I stopped singing the year my dad died. I remember performing in my high school musical and not wanting to sing after that. 


I started singing with my dad in our church choir and he loved my voice and was so proud when he'd watch me perform in recitals or my musicals. After he died, I just couldn't bring myself to sing anymore. I used to get a lump in my throat every time I would try. All the joy was gone from it and I would miss him too much. 


This was a really bad year, probably the worst in a really long time...maybe since my dad died. It was filled with so much chaos, deep loss, and sadness. I decided that this year, I was going to go back to the person I was before my life got in the way. I looked back at my childhood and tried to remember what I enjoyed and made it my goal to allow those things back into my life. To create a life that I love. So now I read, draw, write, and sing again. I realized that those things had been missing for so long and I needed them, badly. 

 

 


When I first started going to ECC, I remember holding Calvin and singing in his ear. I was in such deep despair that I would break down with every song and just sob in the middle of church. With each week, that lump that I had, started to dissolve and I began to hear my voice again. So I kept singing, then I'd find myself singing in the car, in the shower, while cleaning. Then Calvin started asking me to sing and he'd make sure to cuddle close when we would sing in church. The crying used to worry him, but eventually he realized that those songs, that church, our God was healing me. It was healing our family.

I didn't just find my voice this year, Calvin found his. We are constantly singing together. He knows every artist, all the words to our favorite songs, and he makes me listen to make sure he's hitting the notes. We are learning together. It's like reliving those times with my own father, but now it's with my son. Except I'm pretty sure that I didn't crawl around on the floor during choir! 😖

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